Once again, I am not the expert at friendships. I care deeply about my friends and try to be the best friend I can be, so I figured I'd answer some of the questions that I get frequently. Here we gooo...
Pretend you have two good friends, but these two friends hate each other (we'll call them X and Y). You're at a party that X put on and you've been there for a few hours now, X only invited Y to the party because shes attempting to be friendly and accepting. Y gets there and stays for a while the and the other friend asks you to leave what do you do?
Well, it depends on your relationships with the friends and the type of party. From this situation, though, I'd say that X invited you to a party and if Y doesn't want to be there, than they can leave and you can make plans another night. Not everyone will always like each other and it sucks, but you have to work with it. Make plans on different nights. Be honest with both of them that you care about them and don't want to lose either of them. It will be annoying and tedious, but they're probably worth it, so if they are really not willing to put up with one another, you have to just go with it.
How do you make new friends? / How to make friends in your first year of university?
For university, go to all of the bullshit events. I know, they almost always suck, but that is where you make friends. Those first few weeks are CRUCIAL. Put yourself out there, share what you love with people, find people with similar interests. Maybe wear a symbol of something you like (DFTBA or band shirt, Deathly Hallows necklace, etc), so that people will see it and comment on it. Maybe join a cool club because even if you don't keep going to the meetings, you may make a friend or two in there. If you can't find people with the same interests, than try to meet people who seem genuine and awesome and you guys can learn things/interests from one another.
For making friends in general, the advice is similar. Confidence is key. If you reassure yourself that you are awesome and that you'll make friends, you probably will. Just never miss an opportunity to hang out with like-minded people. Go to book events or gigs of your favorite bands. PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE. I just want to scream that to the world. I spent so long, my entire academic career until this point, being upset that no one I met was as great as my friends online. I sat in my room and was miserable. Don't be like me, okay? I was dumb. Now I am wise in this area…or something.
If you want to make friends online, try and find people who watch the same YouTubers or hang out in the same blogtv shows. Give yourself a presence by commenting and even making videos. Also, don't go into it hoping to become best friends with Charlie. Because, let's be honest, that not really how it's going to work. Don't seek out 'famous' friends online, just find people you think are awesome and do not be a crazy, fangirl-y (read: creepy) person and you'll probably find someone.
For more on making friends, see Paige's videos, because she is pro at making friends both in real life and on the internet.
Could you give advice about toxic friendships? Like how to know you're in one, how to deal with it, etc. The easy answer is to say "get out of it", but if you've ever been in one you know it's more complicated than that. Because there's still a reason why they're your friend, you may see them a lot, and they're friends with your friends.
I have a unique experience with toxic people in my life and my advice is not really what anyone wants to hear. What I do to put up with it is to simply, well, ignore it. I am a confident enough person that I never let the person in question impact what I think about myself. I will say, however, that I very often leave their place feeling incredibly drained at their amount of negativity and that can just be exhausting. Another tactic I try is to keep them positive by making a lot of jokes when things go wrong and that person is particularly stressed.
More than anything, I think you have to remember that it is almost never entirely their fault. Toxic people (I really dislike that term, but it is easy for the sake of this blog) are not trying to be that way. Most of them are dealing with anxiety, depression, self-loathing or a combination. This is just a coping mechanism and while you cannot treat them like they are mentally unsound or something, you have to remember that they are, most likely, not meaning to hurt you. Trying talking to them. Many people do not realise that they are being offensive or tearing you down and they are just naturally pessimistic or sarcastic. Maybe they think they're being funny and do not realise you aren't laughing along. Just make sure they know you are unhappy with what is going on. From there, see what happens. Maybe they will be more honest about what is really going on or maybe they'll be more offensive. If the latter does happen, you'll need to learn how to distance yourself. I'm not saying get out, I'm saying go to another room. Metaphorically. You probably don't want to just hang around their kitchen or something. Just go a few days without talking to them and see if they want to contact you. Try meeting in public where they are less likely to tear you down so much and test the waters. It's a lot of trial and error and I have dealt with it my whole life. Just, and this is really corny and important so listen up Nicholas Sparks (and readers), go into it loving yourself. If you love yourself, there is nothing that anyone can say to break you. Think of the perfect prison in Doctor Who's "Day of the Moon." You are impenetrable and no one can tear you down.
I’d love to hear your tips on reconnecting with friends you’ve lost touch with. And on a similar level, how to keep in touch long distance?
These are my specialties! Fantastic. Alright, so, in most of my friendships, these two things go very hand in hand, so I will sort of address them at once to begin with. I have a lot of friends all over the world, but I also have friends here at home. This means that when I am at home, I have a lot of people to keep in contact with and when I am traveling, there's a lot to catch up on when I get home. It becomes a huge balance, but I find that a simple "I saw this thing and it reminded me of you because of that thing that happened once, how are you?" text/email is sometimes all it takes. Maybe apologise if it has been awhile and say that you want to catch up. Make it clear that you genuinely care about their life, which I hope you do, and they will understand if time as passed and they will want to do the same. However, you also have to realise when it is time to give up. If you have tried to make plans over and over and the friend doesn't seem to care or want to make it work, then it may not work. I've lost plenty of friends because some people just aren't willing to try. Communication and friendship is a two way street. Never lose sight of that. If you are pulling all of the weight, something is wrong and you either need to talk to them about it, or move on and see if they make an effort.
Specifically focusing on long distance, well, it's hard. Luckily the internet is a wonderful device and has things like Skype, email, Facebook, twitter (direct messages are essentially international texts!), et cetera. Set up times when you want to "hang out" with a long distance friend on Skype. Otherwise, just sort of follow the same reconnecting strategies and they usually work for me!
How much is it acceptable to contact friends or potential friends? (Skype, text, phone call)
This really depends on the friend, you know? Some people are weird about being over-contacted and may get annoyed thinking that you're clingy or something. I think the best thing to do is just test the waters. IM them on Skype from time to time and see how responsive they are and then build towards texting when things remind you of conversations you had or something. I am not a huge phone talker, so phone calls are usually not my area of expertise. I always like being asked before friends call just to talk, because I definitely have to be in a certain mood, haha.
Is there a way of becoming friends with someone you think is cool on youtube without sounding like a stalker?
I will refer you to Paige's video.
And also add that it is hard online these days. I've become friends with people who watch my videos, but rarely online unless I sought them out because I like their videos. There are just so many of you awesome people out there and it's hard for me to, you know, be all of your friends. I don't mean for this to sound like an I'm better than you thing, but I just want to be honest. I have met a lot of people in real life that I did not know previously and watched my videos. It mostly depends on how a person introduces his or herself. I can always tell which people I meet are really happy to meet me because I'm owlssayhooot and who is excited to meet me because I am Kayley. It's hard to describe and it is not something I can teach. Just remember that we are normal people with lives. Many of us are in school or working full time and do not respond to every email. But also, never miss a chance to put yourself out there. You never know where you could make a friend! (I have a feeling I'll get a lot of "putting myself out there!" emails after this…That's probably not a good time, guys. I think that would be contrary to what I'm currently saying xD)
What to do if somebody who doesn't fit in with your 'group' or whatever stays and never leaves?
I won't lie, I tend to just let it happen and ignore them if it's really that bed, hoping they'll get the message. If it really is unbearable, all you can really do is talk to them. Maybe try and get them more involved with conversation and figure out why they don't fit. They could have something great to bring to the group if you give them a chance to show it!
Does a girl have to "step down" being a best friend to a guy if he's dating another girl? One of my friends seemed to think that it causes drama. Who takes the back seat, and why should anybody have to?
I don't think so, no. I think that girlfriend and best friend fulfill very different roles and one should not be dependent on the other or anything. I guess it is up to the guy in question, but from my experience, a girl best friend isn't different from a guy best friend and it is really silly when girlfriends get jealous. If there is drama, just make sure she knows that you're not trying to steal her boyfriend, simple as that. Don't blow it out of proportion and just make sure everyone is on the same page. No one should have to take the back seat.
Did you keep a lot of your high school friends when you went to college?
I didn't have a lot of close friends in high school, but I still have four good friends from my childhood/high school and a few others I hang out with, occasionally. Keep in mind, most of my friends during high school, like now, were on the internet. So. Yup. Most people who went to my high school are all still close friends with one another, though. It's just like any friendship where if you want to maintain it, you can do so if you make an effort.
Hope these help. The feedback on my relationship advice post was incredible both on the blog, to my email and on tumblr. So thank you so much! I'm happy to help and all of that. Now, off to edit sixteen minutes of q&a footage. Eeek...
Days til London: 19. Oh, hey less than 20 days. What's up?