When you spend frequent, fairly extended amounts of time away from the place you consider home, you came to find a definite sense of serenity in the warmth of your own bed or the reliability of butter to make cookies with in the fridge. It becomes a place you come back to after dealing with a crazy vacation or a long day. Living in the same house my whole life, sans a few months when I was 9 while it was being remodeled and technically living in a residence hall this past year at school, my home has never wavered. I have never not known where I would always belong and be loved. And while the latter will always be true, I hope, the former seems to have changed.
Maybe it was the fact that I was meant to be moving out of this house for good a year ago and have had to come back for the summer, maybe it is because this house was merely a refuge to me at the end of all of those miserable weeks at school between my adventures or maybe I just spent too much time in June sitting around, but this no long feels like home. It was something I noticed after LeakyCon, even though I was definitely aware of it before I left. However, it didn't hit me until a friend from high school came round between LeakyCon and VidCon. He said to me "I'll see you when you come home" and I had this moment of "I don't think this is home anymore. But I don't know what is." I think of it as a bit of an anti-Harry moment. I was right with him on that train leaving Hogwarts, except I wasn't leaving my real home, but realizing I did not really have one anymore.
There is all sorts of home-related bullshit out there. "Home is where the heart is" and all of that. But when you have as many different people around the world who you care deeply about, you know that is not really the case. If home is where the heart is, my heart is split far more than Voldemort's soul. I have always seen home as where my parents and dogs are. Where most of the crap I've had since I was an infant and don't want but have to keep for the children my mother thinks I will have but that I know I won't is hidden away in the attic. To be honest, it has been a while since I have held any sort of fantasy of staying in one place for an extended period of time again. There is a HUGE FREAKING WORLD out there and I want to live in all of it's little cracks and corners at some point (though, hopefully not actually in a corner somewhere. I would like a bed of some sort at each location.) But this house in a suburb outside of Seattle was always going to be my technical home.
Don't get me wrong, I think it could very well be a product of an over-enthusiastic traveler who has gotten lucky this year by flying all over the country at least once a month, but I think it is more than that. I've written before how we convince ourselves that places can change us. We think that by going to a certain location and having those experiences there that we will come out a different person. I worried that they wouldn't, but I feel as though I've proved myself wrong. Maybe so much happens to you when you leave your home that coming back means that you're bring with you this new sense of self that your home could never understand. Perhaps every time we walk out of our doors is just one step away from our childhood home. One step towards something else, whether we know where that is or not. I certainly don't. What I do know is that now I have a Visa in hand and the next flight I board will hopefully take me to a place where I can hopefully find that sense of home once more. Till tomorrow.
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."
Days till London: 26.
15 comments:
This post just brought me to tears. Probably because the Uni holidays start in three days and I'll be going "home". But you're right, it's not really home. And everything in this post is perfect and I don't know what else to say except thank you.
Oh my goodness, agreed. I was just pondering that the other day. And I was realizing that "home" is with the people I love, and has nothing to do with location. Nostalgia is great, but as far as a real place to call home, it's not as static anymore... which kind of ruins the whole idea of a home.
Yeah, thanks for this. Really got me thinking!
I was thinking about this... I think your home is simply where you feel safe, and warm, and happy. That can change throughout your life, and it doesn't have to be a place. It can be with a certain group of people, or while reading a certain book, or even just within your own thoughts. It's simply a case of where you feel 'at home'.
It's amazing that you posted this on the day that I will be leaving London after a week-long trip. I've been having a similar feeling wash over me these past few days and weeks. I always thought of my home in New York as home-home, the place where I know I'll be able to go forever and it'll always be comfortable and warm and safe and at least, in one sense, happy. But the past few months and especially after this past week alone in London I've had this sense of "I can't wait to come home" mixed with "I can't wait to find a new home of my own one day." I'll always think of home-home as this safe, warm place but, like you, I'm finding that there are other places to wedge out for myself in the world and I'm only just getting started on it.
However, after this trip by myself (with my younger brother), I definitely can't wait to go home and be able to open up the cabinet and have a bowl of cereal and not worry about what I'm going to have for breakfast/lunch/dinner and how much it's going to cost!
It's funny how even though we're on two different sides of the world and we don't actually know one another, we are still experiencing similar feelings and similar experiences at the same time. I love the internet for bringing things like that to my awareness.
Good luck in all your travels in the coming months! :)
One of my favourite blog posts you've ever written. I am speechless.
Lovely post Kayley! I love the quote at the end, one of my favourites!
This is perfect. I can hardly relate since I've never really left home. Lately, though, I've been just itching to get out and find something else. One more year.
This post was beautiful.
This post is beautiful. It sums up so many emotions I've been feeling over the past week. I've lived where I live now since I was four years old and I'm about to move out to go to college. I keep thinking, "I'll be home for Thanksgiving" but I'm not sure if it will feel the same, especially since my sister has taken my room and my stuff is currently in piles all over the house waiting to be packed or put in the attic. And I'm about to go sleep on the couch. So I already feel as though I've moved out.
It's just all very strange, and I like how this post was written. Immensely.
Man, this is like all my thoughts composed in one beautiful and eloquent blog entry. I go to school far away from home (an 18 hour drive or one simple airplane ride) and when I came home at Christmas it was the first time that I felt like I was a guest in my own home. Like I was visiting "my parent's house". Well if that two week visit gave me that feeling, this 4-5 month summer has deepened it immensely. I'm just ready. Ready to go back to school, to travel, and to be on my own. It really is a funny thing growing up and moving forward.
I moved to Seattle august 2nd 2008 and I swore up down and backwards I was never going to live at home again. Now flash forward past dropping out of culinary school and breaking up w my girlfriend to may of 2009. I moved back and its home but its not. I don't think my parents have ever said no to me going somewhere since I've been back. Home is a base and as much as we might want to trash it and never come back part oh us never left.
I cannot begin to tell you how many times and how often I find myself contemplating thoughts exactly like these... though I think from a bit of a different lens — calling my home history/childhood in general the "anti-Kayley" would probably be pretty accurate. From the time I was born to when my parents divorced (when I was 9), I'd already lived in six different places, and after that, both of my parents moved twice as often (and at that point my sister and I were going back and forth between parents from week to week)... I absolutely hated it. Growing up, I always felt so sad whenever I would go to a friend's house and see pictures of family memories built there over the years, or penciled-in height markings in a doorframe... things like that. And now that I'm in college, in a way I think those experiences helped make that adjustment easier for me than some of my peers, which I suppose I'm glad for... but mostly it's just worse. It kills me around things like holidays, especially (I'm as big a Christmas freak as you! :P), when most of my friends are longing and happy to go home and be with their families, and I just feel a complete absence of any sort of anchor, or soft place to fall... does that make any sense? :/ It just... sucks. And I completely agree about home being where your loved ones are, but I also have a similar problem to yours in that the people I love most are kind of all over the place. And my family is just... completely broken.
Blah. I don't mean for any of this to come across as complaining, so I really hope it doesn't... I guess I don't know exactly what my point is, other than that I can relate to your feelings, even if in a different way. Though if you're going to bring Harry Potter into this ;), I'll just say, no matter what anyone's objections might be to the Epilogue, my heart just absolutely overflowed with warmth and contentment the first time I read it, because, like Harry, my deepest wish is just to someday have a family and home of my own, where I'm just happy and at peace, surrounded by friends. That probably sounds like the cheesiest thing ever, but, whatever... I can't help that if I want to be honest.
Of course, before achieving this most sappy dream of mine, I must conquer the world — starting with Europe, apparently, as I'm studying abroad in London next year, and I CAN'T WAIT. :) <3
/longest post ever.
PS - I've never actually commented on here before, but I've really enjoyed your blog (and vlog!) for a really long time. You're awesome, Kayley. :)
Kbai.
I don't normally comment, but so much of what you were saying you felt rang true for me too. I left my home country (Australia) when i was 9 and spent the next 9 years living in two very different countries. I went to an International High School, so all my friends are scattered around the world, and now i'm back in Australia for university, while my parents are in Bali. Ive been back for a year, but Australia just isn't home to me. I know my passport says im Australian, but thats just not what i think of myself.
I found a quote the other day that really resonated with me, and it is along the same lines as your post today so I wanted to share it with you; "I long, as every human does, to be at home wherever I find myself." - Maya Angelou
This post is soo my life right now.
Recently I've found that for me home actually is NOT where my loved ones are, and its been killing me. So now I'm stuck between staying with my loved ones & everything I have ever known, or venturing on to the place I truly call home (a devestating 5000 miles away). I'm certain there is a life waiting for me there, but I can't yet bring myself to kiss everyone I love goodbye.
You do it SO well, Kayley. Converting thoughts and feelings to words. Without knowing it, you ctully describe the insides of so many others. It's such an inspiration to read. Honestly!
And that quote is worth more than gold!
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