Relationship Advice

Well, I think it is safe to say that I cannot believe that I am writing this. It is honestly something that I have been asked for years and while I never wrote it off, but just could not see myself sitting down to write it. Though I guess now is as good a time as any…let's talk about relationships.
Now, before you get excited, or whatever, we're not talking about my relationships. That would not only be way too personal, but also really awkward. For everyone involved. I just thought I'd try my hand at a little advice, sort of. I do not, by any means, claim to be an expert at these things. I'm not exactly bringing all of the boys to the yard (oh god) and the boys are, regrettably, not wishing their girlfriends were hot like me. However, I have some experience with different kinds of relationships and I know a bit about how what not to do in certain cases. Bear in mind: I am only nineteen, I am not a reliable source and it is not my fault if everything goes horribly wrong. Just…so we have that covered. So, I went to tumblr for some questions…let's do this…

How do you stay on good/decent terms with an ex?
Now, we're starting out in an area that is not exactly my expertise. The thing I cannot stress enough, however, is time. Do not hang out the day after you break-up. Even the week after you break up. You need to give it time to set in that the relationship is over. This doesn't mean you cannot talk to the other person, but do not go out the following day on a would-be-date-if-you-were-still-together. It will almost always lead to awkwardness and questioning the break-up. There was a reason you and that person broke up and no matter how comfortable it feels to just keep hanging out all of the time, you need to acknowledge that you are no longer together. I know it will feel like losing a best friend, but time will make the transition smoother. Also, it absolutely depends on whether or not you were the dumper or dumpee. If you ended the relationship, be very careful about the friend-zone, so that you do not give the wrong impression. You don't want the ex to think you regret the break-up. If you were the dumper, you don't want to seem like you're banging on the persons door wanting them back. Just give it a few days and feel it out slowly. If it was meant to work out, it will. And if the friendship ends up feeling forced and uncomfortable, than it wasn't really meant to be and you'll both feel it and move on.

How do you just say it already? How do you just tell someone (who isn’t clueless) that you like them as more than a friend?
As any of my friends will tell you, I am not an advocate of beating around the bush. I will always give the advice to just do it, or else you'll regret it. I understand that others have a harder time being as forward, but there is never a better time to break out of your shell than when you want to start a relationship. Entering a relationship or testing the waters with confidence is always better than being shy and awkward because you may give the wrong impression. Now, I'm not saying you want up to the person and start making out with them, though, I mean, if you want to…go for it and report back. I'd like to hear the story. What I'm saying is that you should make it known that you are interested. I think this was a girl who asked, so I'll add that you probably think guys are clueless about this sort of thing, but I've found that they usually aren't (unless they are fairly young). They are just as nervous as you and don't know if they are reading the signs right. Guys, same goes the other way. So much miscommunication can happen during this point of a relationship, so just be forward, confident and honest. That's really the best advice I can give without specifics. Ways of doing this could be asking pointed questions, planning on doing things and making it clear you'd like to do them together, without others, or just body language (moving closer to the person, touching their arm, things like that.)

Just let me take a pause right now to let you know that I do not take myself that seriously, so this blog is incredibly difficult for me. Alright, next one…

How do you get over someone?
There is nothing I can say that you haven't heard before. Time. It will suck for a while, sometimes a really freaking long while, but it will pass and you'll meet someone else who will make you a priority in the way the previous person did not. In the meantime, do fun things, hang out with friends, find creative projects, forget about that person. Don't read their blog or stalk them on Facebook or whatever the kids are doing these days (see what I did there?), just do your own thing. You are your own, awesome person who doesn't need him/her. In fact, if you really want to go all out, do something REALLY fantastic that will make them realise what they missed out on (write a great song, travel, etc). Just remember that if they did not appreciate you, they are not worth missing and you'll find someone - probably loads of someones - who will.

How do you make sure that your relationships with your friends and your boyfriends are balanced?
See, this is a really good question that I have definitely struggled with. There is that honeymoon period in a relationship, right when everything is new and interesting and you're both super into it, when everything else tends to go wrong. You slack on work, lose touch with friends, get behind on things, et cetera. I'd say the number one thing is to make sure you tell you're friends that if you let yourself get caught up in the relationship, they let you know. Sometimes a good kick is all we need to remember there are things other than holding hands and forming new inside jokes with a cute boy/girl. In addition, keep yourself in check by sending texts to your friends. Even if you are busy with the significant other for the time being, keep up with all of your friends' lives via text so that you don't fall totally behind. Also, remember how much fun it is to TALK about the significant other to the friends? Yeah. I know. It's the best. Make time for it!

Similarly…

What would you do if you want to spend more time with a friend but they are too focused on their boyfriend and keep turning you down?
Tell them! Be honest! Don't be a bitch, just let them know that it is bothering you or hurting you and ask if you can get together for coffee or a movie or something. If they are still turning you down, ask them when would be a good time for them. Put the ball in their court and see what happens. Also, keep in mind the honeymoon period I mentioned before. It sucks when our friends get so caught up in new relationships that they lose sight of their friends, but it won't last forever! They'll realise after a couple of weeks or months that they have isolated themselves and will likely come crawling (read: stumbling) back into your life. Greet them with open arms and let them know it is okay. And maybe slap them upside the head a bit. Just because it may be necessary.

I’ve liked this guy forever and we’re good friends. I thought I was getting somewhere and then he got a girlfriend! Was I not good enough?
That is not it at all. This situation could be one of the following a) he was too shy to go for you and didn't want to mess up the friendship, so he went for someone else, b) he was oblivious to your hints (see above) or c) he just didn't feel the same way and liked the other girl. Sometimes the answer cannot be found in a Disney Channel movie. Sometimes guys just like girls who aren't their best friends, but that does not mean he is a jerk or that you aren't good enough. It just means he liked someone else. I know it sucks because you like him, but just make sure to keep him as a friend and be happy that he found someone he likes and is, presumably, happy. That's really all you can do. Support him and he'll support you when you find someone new who likes you the way you deserve to be liked.

What do you do when you fall in love with your friend who only sees you as a friend?
This sort of goes with a previous answer or two, but I guess I just thought I'd answer it separately, as well. This happens all of the time, you aren't alone and it will be unpleasant. However, let's be honest, love is at its finest when reciprocated. Any feelings you have that are unrequited will never be quite as wonderful as when you meet someone who cares just as much. So just try to let it go. Hold that friend dear and don't let them go, because there is obviously a reason you care so much, but go out and meet other people. Just, again, let time pass and see what happens. (Broken record, Kayley, GOD.)

How can you distance yourself from building a certain criteria-checklist for a relationship?
Oh, this is interesting because it is not something I have ever had an issue with, to be honest. I suppose that you just have to relax a bit. Maybe shorten the list to two or three basic things and then just see what happens. The thing with lists is that if everyone you date checks off the same boxes, you more-or-less end up dating the same type of person. Just find someone you like talking to and go with the flow - start there. Things may not work out, but at least you'll have broken away from that list a bit.

How to communicate a problem to your significant other that might upset them?
Oh, this is tough. I think a lot of people would tell you to sugar-coat it, but I just say get to it. Let them know that it is a problem, but do make sure they know that it isn't a huge threat. Just be casual about it. Honest and casual. Do not blow it out of proportion, because that will just upset them more. If you're upfront, but not abrasive, they'll be more willing to work with you and try to understand.

How to flirt without using the shameful, cliche whore tricks?
Okay, this made me absolutely LOL. Well, here we go, flirting 101. (quick moment: I REALLY HOPE NO GUY I HAVE EVER BEEN INVOLVED WITH, AM INVOLVED WITH OR WILL BE INVOLVED WITH IN THE FUTURE READS THIS OH GOD.) Something a lot of my friends will tell you about me is that I am a massive flirt and I almost never know that I am doing it. I'm just a friendly person! What this probably means is that when I actually am attempting to flirt, I may be completely over the top. I'm not certain, though. So…take that into consideration. Flirting is something that is really dependent on the person and the location. Ask questions. "Favourite book: go." Things like that. It finds common ground, gives you a conversation and it's just fun to listen to people talk about themselves. People always say they don't like talking about themselves, but once you get them to open up, they'll appreciate you for it. In addition, questions like this can often lead to more telling things that are good to know before throwing yourself at someone (for example, they may hint that they are already in a relationship and you haven't yet embarrassed yourself too much to pull out of flirt-mode, yay!). Do not be afraid of being let down and do not be afraid of them not liking you. Confidence, confidence, confidence. It gets a bad reputation because it is often associated with cockiness or whatever, but honestly, it's attractive. It's just another thing you'll have going for your when you go out ON THE PROWL. Or whatever. Yup.

What is the best way to tell a really sweet guy that you just want to be friends?
I mean, I never got this hesitation. I'll be honest. I think you just said it perfectly. Obviously no one ever wants to hear the dreaded "let's just be friends," but I'm fairly certain there is really no way around it without giving the wrong impression. And even when saying that people get the wrong impression. You just have to tell it like it is and make sure they know that you actually want to be friends and not just that you know a line or two.

How do you know when you're ready to have sex?
Woah, this just got R-rated, or something. Children, step away from this blog post right now. You gone? Good. There is no hard and fast rule for this. What I can tell you is that if you are asking me this, you're probably not ready. What I can also tell you is that every year, almost 750,000 U.S. women between 15 and 19 become pregnant. So contraception is your friend. Your best friend, even. Do not have sex because you feel pressured by anyone at all, including yourself, or for the sake of having it. Have sex because you want to have sex with someone specific and feel comfortable and safe with that specific person and want to share the experience with them. I'm not saying wait until you're married, because not only is that sort of outdated, in my opinion, but I don't want to be a hypocrite. Just...take it slowly and make sure you're always on the same page with the person you're with. Be safe, be honest and trust your mind and your gut, not your hormones.

How many of you have I scared away or aliened after that one? Yeesh...

Every night at 11:11 I wished for this girl who's a close friend to be mine and after a few months it actually worked. But then during our relationship we began to talk less and less and we became more and more a part so I dumped her because I'm a stupid guy and thought everything would just go back to normal. Now we're pretty much strangers, is there any way I can become friends with her again?I think you definitely need to talk to her and tell her what you just told me. Tell her why you did what you did and how you feel now (once you figure out how that is). She should understand if you make it clear that you wanted to save the friendship above all else, because that is was is most important.

What is the protocol on liking somebody your friend likes? Seriously? What the hell do I do?
Alright. My answer is not going to be the answer most people would give you, but here we go. I have never been partial to friend codes along this line. I get bros before hoes, but I do not think it is up to you or your friend. It's up to the person you like. If he/she is into you, then go for it. If they're into your friend, be happy for your friend. Significant others will come and go and if you let something like this get in the way of your friendship, well, that's ridiculous. Obviously, results may vary because there could be back story or your friend could not be as accepting, but I just think that's silly. We cannot determine how others feel and why rid them of the opportunity of having a nice relationship because you have a crush? There are plenty of people out there and I think we all need to accept that sometimes people like other people. Rejection is good; it gives us new experiences and feelings to learn from. So essentially: no protocol, in my opinion. Let what will happen, happen and just roll with it. Also, talk to the friend if a relationship does form. Make sure they know that hormones come and go, but their friendship is important and that you hope that won't ruin it.

Is it inappropriate to tell a friend you don’t think his girlfriend and him are great together? 
Yes, if you think it's really true, I'll always advocate for the honesty. Just be prepared to agree to disagree, because people generally don't take to such comments well, no matter the circumstances.We like comfort and we like to overlook the bad things in favour of keeping it.

Do you think a relationship can work when one person goes away for college, and the other is still in high school? 
Honestly? I think it can, but don't recommend it. That is such a massive step in a persons life and I think going into it as a sort of clean slate is the best way to go about it. Where's the fun in starting fresh and simultaneously being held down? Man, I sound awful. While I know that is harsh, the one still in high school will understand. I do not hold the illusion that you'll be with your high school sweetheart forever; I'm not much of a romantic. College is a time for new experiences and the people I've know in relationships with girls/guys still in high school don't tend to have as much fun and the relationships don't tend to last long anyway. (Turkey dump, anyone?)

Porn. Love, hate, indifferent? Watch it sometimes? If someone does watch it does it change your opinion of them? 
Hate. I do not use that word often, but there you go. I think it is disgusting, never realistic and, frankly, I don't find it hot at all. I don't really talk to people about their porn usage, as a general rule, but it doesn't change my opinion on them. It just sort of baffles me that people find it appealing, but to each their own and all of that.

Is it bad to not have had your first kiss by sixteen? I feel so behind everyone else. 
No, no, no. Loads of people don't have their first kiss by sixteen or even later. Let things happen naturally and don't worry about it! You're not alone, promise. 

No but seriously, HOW DO YOU DO long distance relationships? I just said goodbye last night, and it was heartbreaking. 
I do/have done just about every kind of long distance friendship or relationship you can and I wish I could say those goodbyes get easier, but they don't, not really. It is all about prioritising one another. Finding times that work for both of you to come online and talk and give the relationship some sort of consistency and a bit of routine. Keeping a frequent dialogue via text or email or whatever really helps because it reminds you that even if they are across the world, you can still make it happen. So yeah, I suppose that's the general advice. I'll also add that if they are worth it, you'll never question what you're doing. It is when you start wondering why you're doing it if they are not bothering to put in the effort or you're thinking more about how far away that person is, rather than how great that person is, that you need to talk to that person. Get on the same page and figure out what is or is not working and where to go. Communication and honesty, like I've said for basically every question, ha.


And finally, the inevitable... 
Are you still with [insert name here]? Who are you dating?
No, but now that this post is done, I got a hot date with this guy. Jealous?

This was fun/interesting. I have another list of friendship-related questions that I'll put up either tomorrow or in a couple of days. However, I may do another relationship one at some point. If you have more questions, feel free to submit them as comments on this post or here. I hope something in here helped and that I didn't just waste these few precious hours in the middle of the night (it's 2am). Sorry, again, if I sounded like a broken record or anything. Have a great Sunday!

Days till London: 21. I leave in three weeks! Packing will be acceptable soon.